What Is Demisexuality & How Does It Affect Your Sex Life?

“I’m not sure how to tell if I’m attracted to someone.”

“I never really thought of myself as a person who could feel sexual attraction unless I am feel emotionally connected.” 

“I haven’t had sex for years because I just find it too unfulfilling.”

“Why do we have sex, when we are not even friends.”

“In this day and age, is it really a big thing?”

 “I don’t find any special bonding between me and my partner when we engage in sex.”

These are just some of the many conversations I’ve had with people about demisexuality. This idea is still in the development stage, but it’s one that needs to be addressed as is done by Kate and Alice.

Kate is a relationship therapist, who comes to a session with a new client, Alice. Alice is an introvert and has difficulty making friends. She has the support of her family and her best friend, but it still remains difficult for her.

As they discuss their session, Alice shares with Kate that she only feels sexually attracted in special circumstances; when there is a deep connection or intimacy with another person. She realizes that she had been demisexual all along without even knowing what it was.

They discuss how to go forward with this new information and how to take care of oneself while dating or in a relationship.

Like Alice, many individuals consider it a pre-requisite to build a genuine, close affinity with someone before having a sexual relationship.

In this article, we will take a closer look at what is demisexuality and how it affects your sex life. So why not dive deeper and start learning about this unique dimension of sexuality? 

What is demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where someone needs to feel a deep emotional connection with someone before feeling sexual attraction.

It is the least common of the sexual orientations and it can be difficult for people to understand. It’s not about not being attracted to anyone; it’s about needing a deep emotional connection before becoming sexually attracted to someone.

While many people feel they know exactly what it means to be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, the term “demisexual” is often misunderstood. 

In fact, even people who identify as demisexual may not fully understand what the label means. And how does this affect someone’s sex life?

What does it mean to be demisexual, and how does it affect your sex life?

According to The Guardian, the terminology “demisexual” initially appeared in 2006 on the webpage of the Asexual Visibility and Education Portal. There are more than 2 million posts about demisexuality on Instagram, as well as more than 266 million posts on the topic on TikTok.

A 2014 AVEN Community Census of Demisexuals and Asexuals found that 2/3 of individuals who identified as the demisexual report they find sexuality repulsive or uninteresting. 

To be demisexual means that you only feel sexual attraction to someone after developing an emotional bond with them. If you are a demisexual, 

• You rarely experience physical desire toward outsiders, coworkers, or anyone you come across on the street.
• You may have experienced sexual attraction to a proximity buddy (such as a friend or a romantic partner).
• How much you are physically attracted to anyone depends on how much emotionally connected you are.
• Regardless of whether a person appears attractive on the outside or has a great demeanor, you neither get excited nor intrigued by the idea of engaging in intercourse with them.
• You may or may not opt to engage in an intercourse in partnerships. Sexuality may not be a priority in partnerships for all demisexual individuals.
• You may assume thinking your relationship is not good enough to enable you to be drawn to your spouse physically. For many demisexuals, sex is only enjoyable if they have a strong emotional bond with their partner.
• Sometimes you could have intercourse with your partners despite not being aroused by them physically. Each demisexual individual experiences his or her unique journey.

Demisexuality and your sex life

Demisexuality can affect your sex life in several ways.

• Firstly, it can make sex less frequent or less enjoyable if you’re not in a committed relationship and not emotionally intimate with someone before becoming sexual with them. 
• Secondly, the level of sexual attraction may be lower for demisexuals than for those who are not demisexual. This can lead to a lack of sexual desire or interest, which can be frustrating for both partners. 
• Thirdly, even if you are sexually attracted to someone, the emotional connection needs to be strong enough for you to want to act on it. This can mean that sex is often slow and gentle, as opposed to the fast and furious pace that is often associated with sexuality. 
• Finally, a demisexual person may not be easily aroused and may need more time to form an emotional bond before they feel comfortable being sexual with someone. However, once the emotional connection is there, the sex life of a demisexual can be very fulfilling. This can make sex within a relationship more meaningful.

In all cases, it’s important to communicate with your partner about your needs and expectations to ensure that both of you are satisfied.

Who are demisexuals?

Here we have highlighted the key findings about demisexuals. 

• You’ve undoubtedly been referred to as a “prude.” You may be demisexual if you’ve ever been called an “ice queen” or “old-fashioned” whenever it relates to sex and intimacy. Demisexuals like to get to understand people thoroughly before becoming strongly attracted to them, so they’re typically not keen on one-night affairs. 
• Aesthetics are usually unimportant.
• The majority of their connections begin as friends. 
• Initial encounters may seem really stressful.
• Individuals may love having intercourse, yet it’s not the main crucial aspect. 

Demisexuals need emotional connection before forming any sexual connection with someone and relishing intercourse. They differ in the depth of the intimate connection required to achieve orgasm. What drives demisexuals most off is personal connection; this is essentially everything one is drawn to. Some factors can make sex life difficult for demisexuals, but it is important to remember that everyone experiences sexuality differently and there is no “right” way to have sex.