The Tea
“I’m not sure how to tell if I’m attracted to someone.”
“I never really thought of myself as a person who could feel sexual attraction, unless I feel emotionally connected.”
“I haven’t had sex for years because I just find it too unfulfilling.”
“Why do we have sex, when we are not even friends?”
“I don’t find any special bond between me and my partner when we have sex.”
If any of the above statements resonate with you, you might be a demisexual.
The term demisexuality is relatively new, but this unique dimension of sexuality has unknowingly been around for a long time. It’s defined by sexual attraction in special circumstances; only when one feels a deep connection or intimacy with another person. If you are demisexual, you’ll consider it a pre-requisite to build a genuine, close affinity with someone before beginning a sexual relationship with them.
Curious to know if you fall under this umbrella of sexuality, and if so, how it affects your sex life? Read on as we explain everything you need to know about demisexuality.
The Brew
What is demisexuality?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where someone needs to feel a deep emotional connection with someone before feeling sexual attraction.
It is the least common of the sexual orientations, and it can be difficult for people to understand. It’s not about not being attracted to anyone; it’s about needing a deep feelings of emotional intimacy before becoming sexually attracted to someone.
While many people feel they know exactly what it means to be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, the term “demisexual” is often misunderstood. In fact, even people who identify as demisexual may not fully understand what the label means, or how it can affect their sex life.
A 2014 AVEN Community Census of Demisexuals and Asexuals found that 2/3 of individuals who identified as the demisexual report they find sexuality repulsive or uninteresting.
Wondering if you’re demisexual? Here are some tell-tale signs that you might be.
- You rarely experience physical desire toward strangers, celebrities, or anyone that you don’t know well, even if they are conventionally attractive
- How much you are physically attracted to anyone depends on how emotionally connected you are
- Sexuality may not be a priority in your relationships
- You may assume your relationship is not good enough for you to be drawn to your spouse physically
- You’ve been referred to as a “prude”, an “ice queen”, or “old-fashioned” when it comes to sex and intimacy. Demisexuals like to get to understand people thoroughly before becoming strongly attracted to them, so they’re typically not keen on one-night stands
- Aesthetics are usually unimportant
- The majority of your romantic connections begin as friendships
- First dates often feel stressful
Demisexuality and your sex life
Demisexuality can affect your sex life in several ways. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have sex at all or you’ll only have it in certain circumstances. Some demisexuals will engage in sex even if they don’t feel physically aroused. However, this means that the sex might be less frequent or less enjoyable if you’re not feeling emotionally intimate enough with your partner. It’s important to communicate with your partner about your needs and expectations in all cases to ensure that both of you are satisfied.
Your level of sexual attraction for your partner may be lower if you’re a demisexual, which can lead to frustration within a relationship if your partner doesn’t know where you’re coming from. The best way to combat this? Get emotionally intimate. Have those deep conversations that are guaranteed to strengthen your bond, or engage in activities that draw you closer. Once the emotional connection is there, the sex life of a demisexual can be very fulfilling.
The Pour
Some factors can make sex challenging for demisexuals, but it’s important to remember that everyone experiences sexuality different. There’s no “right” way to have sex – if you need a deeper emotional connection than others, it will only make the experience more meaningful for you.
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