The Tea
As a recovering anorexic, I found it hard to get back into the dating scene. Things as simple as going for dinner or coffee, two of the most popular date activities, were often triggering to me. But I pushed through because I thought I’d met someone great. A few months down the line I realized that I definitely wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment in my life. I broke down crying in the middle of a weekend getaway because I found the relationship too stressful while I was still trying to heal myself. We ultimately broke up a little while later.
In hindsight, I probably should have worked on myself instead of diving into a relationship. But it got me wondering, is my experience universal? Can you enter a healthy romantic relationship while in recovery?
The Brew
We are biologically wired to develop relationships as humans. It’s science. Studies have proven that when we have strong, close relationships with others, we live happier, healthier, and longer lives. We have a fundamental human need to feel loved and supported by others. On the flip side, those who have unhealthy relationships are more susceptible to depression and illness.
For the majority of us, a romantic relationship is our main source for the deep connections we require to thrive. But is it possible to rehabilitate and maintain a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship?
Love is a major source of joy and delight, but disappointments and arguments can bring us down. That’s why it poses a bit of a conundrum for those in recovery, be it from alcohol, drugs, an eating disorder, or any other type of addiction.
Many recovering addicts might be able to look back and see that it was toxic relationships that initially pushed them into the cycle of addiction. However, for the majority of recovering addicts, it was also loved ones who pushed them to seek help and get sober. Plenty of people in recovery attribute their long-term sobriety to the new friendships they have made, so does that mean there is hope for those craving romantic love in recovery?
Can you date someone while in recovery?
It is not advisable to start a new relationship with someone who is just beginning their rehabilitation process. All new relationships have their own stresses. Starting one in such a trying time will probably make the person more vulnerable to relapsing.
Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts frequently look for new and different addictions. A new relationship can be exciting for that individual, but you may be dealing with someone who is not emotionally, financially, or physically secure.
However, time always heals the pain. There are no strict guidelines, but someone who has been in recovery for a prolonged period of time – maybe a year or longer – will likely be more stable and secure.
Can you enter a healthy romantic relationship while in recovery?
Dating might pose risks to a person’s sobriety early on in recovery. It’s crucial to know when it’s okay to start dating again to prevent future relapses.
People who are just starting their recovery journey should first cultivate their sense of self, exercise good coping mechanisms, and work on keeping their sobriety. All of these factors can make starting a new love connection difficult. According to the majority of specialists, a person in early recovery should hold off on dating, beginning a new relationship, and making significant decisions for at least a year. Dating should only take place when a person recognizes the value of making sobriety their top priority and does it. To maintain a healthy romantic relationship, a person needs to re-establish their identity, show that they can deal with stress in healthy ways, and create clear limits and honest expectations.
Early recovery can be a period of intense loneliness. Because people are no longer socializing in the same ways they once did, they may attempt to give up their addictions to experience the joy of discovering new love. A person may think about dating in recovery too soon, or before they are ready, due to these emotions of loneliness or a desire for bliss. This is often dangerous and unhelpful, since relationships can rapidly become a source of distraction that make recovery more difficult. Dating can eat up the time that someone needs for self-care and controlling temptations.
The dangers of dating too soon in recovery
When people in recovery begin dating too soon, they often wind up selecting a different kind of partner than if they had waited until later in their recovery. Newly recovering singles tend to go for people who share characteristics with their former selves. Some people may get into codependent or abusive relationships, and give their partners undue attention.
Dating can become dangerous if someone is trying to find a replacement for the satisfaction they used to get from using. People can seek out the euphoria that might accompany a brand-new, thrilling relationship. Early relationship entry prevents people from concentrating on themselves and their recovery.
Another risk of dating too soon is feeling obligated to maintain a relationship or being overly reliant on one. You could end up trying to fix someone else, or hoping to be saved by your partner instead of working on yourself. People may become engulfed in lust, divulge too much personal information, or say nothing at all. If a relationship doesn’t work out, it can cause stress and depression. This might make someone want to use alcohol or drugs as self-medication and risk relapsing.
The impact of not healing & fully recovering before entering a new relationship
People will occasionally repeat actions in romantic relationships to make up for mistakes made in the past. This is known as repetition compulsion in psychology. It means you’re attempting to mend the past by going for the same people or situations that injured you in the past.
There are several indications that you haven’t moved on from the past, and they can show up in the way you interact with your present relationship. These behaviors frequently have a very early beginning with the interactions you had as a child with your parents.
According to psychologist, dating coach, and owner of Rapport Relationships Jennifer B. Rhodes, “Our childhood experiences with our parents, teachers, and friends actually can have a pretty big impact on how we operate both emotionally and professionally in early adulthood. Many people who are just beginning their adult lives find it difficult to establish and sustain relationships. Therefore, I believe that when you aren’t fully aware of the patterns you encountered as a child, you replay those patterns as an adult, which occasionally doesn’t look good in your personal or professional life.”
To determine how holding on to the past is affecting your current relationship, we talked to numerous relationship specialists.
- You consistently attract the same kind of people
If one of your parents was a narcissist or an alcoholic, you might find that you keep attracting similar kinds of people so you can work through what hurt you in that first relationship and start to heal, says Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People.”
Empaths frequently engage in this behavior, she said, “because they’re such fixers and they want to get in there and mend things. They believe that by fixing the other person, their initial relationship would be restored. Yet it never succeeds.”
- Your pleasures are contaminated
A terrible relationship can give you “tainted pleasures,” psychologist and founder of Detox Your Heart, Perpetua Neo, told Business Insider. “These are objects or experiences that you used to like, but you can’t stand them any longer since they are associated with your ex-partner. You feel bad for loving them, or going back to the same things that make you feel traumatized,” she added.
Simple pleasures like a musician, a location, or even a piece of apparel can be tainted. There is always a healing time during which you experience a dip, followed by a rise. However, it’s not good if you believe that the dip will last forever.
- You struggle with being physically intimate
Sometimes you might not see the indications until you enter the bedroom. According to Neo, there are a variety of reasons why people may still retain sexual resentments from prior relationships.
She gave the example of when someone feels they are unable to have a sexual relationship with their ex-partner. “We’re not just talking about generic sex here. We’re talking about specific positions or ways that someone touches them, or even how they perceive their sexuality.
Most significantly, telling yourself “I’m not going to think about it” is a clear indication. If these feelings continue to emotionally control you in the middle of the night, or if you become triggered or under stress, it will continue to have an impact.”
- You find it difficult to talk about things that distress you
A habit of ineffective communication might emerge as a result of a terrible relationship, according to David Brud, CEO and co-founder of the personal development and mental health app Remente.
He added that this can lead to resentment festering. “If you felt like you weren’t listened to in a previous relationship, your method of speaking can be more confrontational than required in the new one.”
According to psychotherapist Linda Blair, author of “Straight Talking”, if you don’t express your concerns up front, you won’t genuinely express them until there is a fight.
- Your injuries have not healed
Orloff says that if people repeat the poor communication they had in previous relationships, it can easily result in heated arguments. Everyone has emotional buttons, and these wounds can be caused by anything such as words, a tone of voice, or humiliation.
“Because if the wounds aren’t there, someone may say something upsetting to you, but it wouldn’t affect you as much as it would if they hadn’t already healed,” she explained. “As a result, it’s crucial to think about your emotional triggers. Are you ashamed? Do you experience criticism? Do you feel unheard? And whatever they may be, just give them a kind, understanding glance as you start to heal them.”
The Pour
Love is a crucial aspect of the healing process. Having unconditional support can propel us forward, but it’s best to take some time to heal before making that love romantic.
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